My conversation with Seema Sheth, Senior Vice President & Regional Executive at the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis reminded me of a quote from Walt Whitman, “I contain multitudes.” Seema is multiracial, neurodivergent, queer, a wife and mother, witty, engaging, and endlessly curious with a love for finance and economics. We talked until we had to sprint out the door for our respective meetings and could have kept going.
Seema and I parsed through language used to describe a universal yet different experience based on who you are – covering: downplaying, hiding, filtering or masking parts of ourselves at work, with different social groups, at school and with family. We mined personal experiences and the impact of covering on us as individuals and on the places where we work, and even more broadly, the economy. Later on, we talked about the role of privilege and changing the places we step into as a demonstration of what’s possible. Through each example and question, demonstrating the role that vulnerability plays in expanding how we relate to each other, what we understand about people’s lived experience, and as a way to reflect on our own journey.
“Assimilation,” said Seema when I asked what word or language she used and how she felt about the term covering. She often heard code-switching, and “masking is one that I hear a lot,” she said, “especially for those of us that are neurodivergent.”
As someone who is multiracial – half African and half Indian – with parents from Sudan and India, she has never fit into one racial box, and assimilation is how she tried to fit into culture in Kentucky as a first generation American. “The way to navigate the world was just to fit in,” she shared. “Then, you find yourself in new realities…. And when you do that sometimes you lose the thread of what is real.” As she became an adult, she began a discovery process, asking, “Of all the things I can do, of all these environments that I can operate within, which one feels authentic to me? And, what am I going to choose moving forward?”
The covering, or assimilation as Seema described, also directly impacted her identity. “Growing up, [identity] felt like a luxury,” she said. Fitting in was “a privilege I didn’t have access to.” Through middle and high school, what she wore was one way of assimilating. This cascaded into the professional sphere as she got older. “I work in finance… and I wanted to express myself,” Seema recounted, sitting across from me in a bright yellow sleeveless vest and sleeveless white button up, gold calculator watch and bootcut jeans. Her blazer, draped across the arm of the couch. It was Seema’s version of corporate. Years ago, when she stepped into the corporate finance world, there were constraints. “One must wear a pinstripe suit that is blue,” and “your shirt must always be white in color,” she said of the norm deemed “professional.” As a theatre person and fashion love, Seema wanted to express herself through color and pieces that represented her.
As her positional power expanded, and she stepped into roles with more visibility and influence, she began carving out space for herself. “You try to find the kernels that are non-negotiable,” she said.
Both of us are millennials, and what she shared about evolving how she dressed and how she showed up over time really resonated with me, it’s been a big part of my uncovering journey the past 8 years as well. Because of our ages, we were steeped in productivity culture. “You want to be as productive as possible,” she said, when I asked about why she started uncovering as a professional. “I found that I couldn’t be as productive because I was spending so much damn time managing expectations of other people,” Seema shared. “Figuring out how to fit in. Every choice I made down to nail color… what is this going to say about me? How do I need to make sure that they’re comfortable with me so I can have the best outcome?”
All of this mental work - this cognitive strain - from trying to cover 24/7 in the workplace meant that Seema was “unable to produce in the way I wanted to produce.” She elaborated further, “If I’m spending so much time thinking about how other people are going to perceive me, I don’t have enough time to be creative in the work I’m doing. There was no space for any of that. So part of me was like, this is unsustainable.” This internal process, the reflection on what was being experienced and how much it directly impacted a realm like work, was something we both went through, and her journey resonated so much with my own, and that of leaders I have talked to and interviewed. And, as we both experienced, as you start to uncover and evolve as a person, some of the relationships around you fall away. “I had a lot of relationships that were not very real,” Seema said. Relationships that changed or ended because “the person that you were really close with, it wasn’t me.”
When you combine all of this inner work and sharing who you really are, from being on the edge of burnout to relationships changing as you allow yourself to step into the world differently, it can be bittersweet. “It was a little bit of heartbreak,” recounted Seema.
“Thank god for therapists, because my therapist was like, ‘Who are you back bending for? What do you think the end goal is, that you imposter so well that you can be successful?’” Doing this inner work allowed Seema to “navigate away from places where even little pieces of authenticity were going to make me unsuccessful, or make me feel badly about myself, or make me think that I’m the problem,” she shared. As we’d both experienced, the environment matters. It often won’t be perfect and can create additional work for those of us who move through spaces as outliers of the norm, but part of why we do it is “so the next person after you doesn’t have to do quite the same amount of gymnastics to what you’re trying to do,” Seema said.
One thing we both acknowledge is that privilege comes into play when you start to uncover, as you “evaluate the root cause of what’s making you feel this way” [hollow, unhappy, like it’s your fault]. “Authority breeds privilege,” Seema explained. “The more hierarchical stature you get, the more leeway you earn. I’ve sort of navigated becoming more authentic as a person, employee, and leader.” Having started her job at the St. Louis Fed in the past few years, I asked how she asses the culture and environment she’ll be stepping into. “The way I do it is I show up so authentically in the interview… to a freaky extent,” she said smiling. Rather than straightening her hair, “I’m gonna make my hair as big as possible. I’m going to wear the brightest. I’m just gonna do all the things that I felt for a long time invalidated my credentials and credibility. I am going to show you what you are getting. I’ve learned to ask a lot of questions upfront, and to be okay with the answer. Sometimes it’s yes, that is our culture, and I’ll know I’m not going to be able to be successful in that environment.”
As many of us have seen and experienced over the past few years, there is a push and pull happening when it comes to covering and how people present and act in the workplace. What parts of themselves and their identities they can bring and share. “There is a need for people to show up authentically so that they can feel comfortable, and there’s also so much polarization happening in our world that people’s authenticity is often triggering,” Seema explained.
“Do you want people to show up as their full authentic selves without the tools to manage that internally? Or do you want to shut people down so that you don’t have to deal with the conflict that arises?”
From employers to employees, this becomes the challenge, with economic implications for all parties involved including places like downtown business districts. “We talk a lot about trying to get people back into the office and the prevalence of remote work,” she said. “I think a lot of that is because people like that they can be themselves at home. They don’t have to go to work and put on a show for people. But, I also think there is a huge relational loss for people that are just working at home all the time. It can make your work lifeless, horrible, tedious, and boring.”
