Many people face a dilemma as we head into the holiday season to close out the year. What parts of themselves to bring home? What aspects of themselves to cover? What parts of themselves to uncover and share for the first time?
Family and community dynamics are interesting things. We can love our relatives and fundamentally disagree on certain things. Have fond memories with neighbors we grew up with but who harbor different beliefs than we do. We can know that parts of who we are - like being LGBTQ+ or holding a particular political view - won’t be embraced. There can be stress on both sides of the coin. To hide it and fear being found out and feeling like we’re not being authentic. To share it and fear it changes relationships forever – sometimes for the better and sometimes not.
There was a reason I didn’t plan to come out as gay until after graduating high school (I got outed my junior year, so that didn’t go as planned) and why I spiked my coffee and hot chocolate during winter visits home during undergrad. I grew up in a conservative Christian community where being gay was "a choice and a sin." The person I am and the values I hold don’t fully align with theirs. But once the truth was out, it wasn’t going back into the closet for storage.
Growing up, I remember the pressure and perfectionist tendencies around the holidays, learned from our family to always look put together and ready for photos. Always be prepared to smile and display a face of joy. There were the things we talked about over dinner and the things we didn’t. In recent years, we found that even after some family dynamics changed, including my parents getting divorced, my mother getting remarried, and gatherings with extended family evolved, those older ways of operating still crept in.
Over the past few years, during conversations with my siblings, we talked about how we might do things differently. We proposed a more relaxed atmosphere so people didn’t feel the need to change clothes between family visits for photo ops. We also proposed a schedule that offered more downtime and built-in sibling-only time. No matter how much we want to shake the old habits of our teenage selves, our conversations shift dramatically when our parents are and are not present. With these newfound boundaries and ways of gathering in place, we adjusted our outlook on the holidays and family gatherings in general.
Like Adam Grant says, “Authenticity is not about being unfiltered. It’s about staying true to your principles. The goal isn’t to voice every opinion you hold. It’s to stand up for the ideas that are that are consistent with your ideals. Being genuine is closing the gap between what you value and what you express.” Having those conversations and proposing alternate ways of gathering while setting clear boundaries helps to narrow that gap.
During a recent conversation, someone shared that they would visit their grandpa over the holiday and introduce him and their extended family to their non-binary partner. “My grandpa is pretty old,” they said, “it may just be easier to tell him we’re gay.” It was an interesting comment– the idea that being gay might be the easier option.
That story and the conundrum many people face around the holidays made me think about something Justin Patton 🎤✍🏼🌮 shared on LinkedIn. “If the space you’re preparing for people this holiday season doesn’t make them feel safe and able to show up as their authentic selves, then you’re doing it wrong. It doesn’t matter what meal you make, what gift you buy, or how many prayers you say around the table. What matters is how you show up and make people feel. Your unconditional presence is the best gift you can give. That’s all they’ve ever wanted.”
As we head toward the busiest travel season of the year, how are you approaching the holidays this year? What parts of yourself do you feel the need to cover, or are you considering uncovering for the first time? I'd love to hear from you! Comment below, send me a DM or email me at connect@joshmiller.ventures
______________________________________________________________________________________
About: Josh Miller is a queer changemaker, public speaker, photographer, and outdoor explorer. He is the owner of Josh Miller Ventures and the co-founder + CEO of IDEAS xLab—an organization that uses the art of storytelling and community collaboration to impact public health. Miller’s work has been featured by The New York Times, the Aspen Institute, and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. He is a Soros Equality Fellow, received the 2022 Nonprofit Visionary Leader Award from Louisville Business First, and was selected for Business Equality Magazine’s Forty LGBTQ+ Leaders under 40 and Louisville Business First's Forty under 40. Miller is a two-time TEDx speaker and has been described as a "force in our community.” He holds an MBA from Indiana University and an undergraduate degree from Bellarmine University. Previously, he served as an advisor to the Derby Diversity & Business Summit and co-chair for the Louisville Health advisory board’s communications committee.