What can happen when we cover parts of ourselves at work and in life?
It can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and exhaustion and decrease our ability to lead, contribute at work, make decisions, innovate and think creatively. It can weigh on our minds and distract us from the meaningful work we want and need to accomplish.
Covering can also trigger the use of coping mechanisms to deal with its impact, especially over the long term.
Cleveland Clinic says, “Coping usually involves adjusting to or tolerating negative events or realities while you try to keep your positive self-image and emotional equilibrium. Coping… may be cumulative and profound.”
Coping mechanisms can range from self-soothing to self-isolation, using social media, or searching out external support.
Starting in high school, I began using alcohol as my coping mechanism of choice. Being outed gay before my junior year, I drank heavily to deal with the situation I found myself in - a conservative Christian community and household that viewed my “lifestyle choice as a sin.” For example, I kept a handle of vodka in my jeans drawer, taking shots before dinner with my family to hide how I was feeling.
I started wearing makeup my senior year of high school after I moved in with my aunt and cousins in Indiana and wore a mix of men’s and women’s clothing. For years I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful, androgynous man, but I didn’t think that man could step into the workplace and be respected and taken seriously the way he wanted to present himself. There was a fear during the early days of leading IDEAS xLab that being too gay might limit our funding options, who would partner and work with us and how our contributions would be valued.
There were internal and external messages of tone it down; that’s not professional. So, I’d wear a blazer and wingtips instead of platform shoes and a tunic. Instead of eyeshadow and earrings, small flourishes like a custom bowtie.
When I felt the need to cover early on in my professional career, alcohol was the primary way I coped – drinking before social functions as a primer and having multiple glasses of wine at night before heading to bed. Over the years, I have also struggled with eating disorders, another way I cope when my environment or parts of my life feel out of control.
In the beginning - I didn’t necessarily notice the toll it took to cover – downplay, hide or filter parts of myself at work, with different social groups, at school, or with family. But over time, the evidence became visible, and so did my coping strategies.
The authors of The Costs of Code-Switching from Harvard Business Review outline that “seeking to avoid stereotypes [through code-switching] is hard work, and can deplete cognitive resources and hinder performance. Feigning commonality with coworkers also reduces authentic self-expression and contributes to burnout.”
Code-switching, which falls within the broader covering umbrella, “involves adjusting one’s style of speech, appearance, behavior, and expression in ways that will optimize the comfort of others in exchange for fair treatment, quality service, and employment opportunities.
Let’s read that again. It’s done to “optimize the comfort of others in exchange for fair treatment, quality service, and employment opportunities.”
There was a point when I could take a step back and recognize what was happening. That I was hiding or filtering parts of myself to make other people comfortable without realizing that it was depleting me and decreasing my motivation and participation, all while triggering coping behaviors that held the potential to derail everything I was working toward.
In their article Coping with Fatigue, Fear and Panic During a Crisis, Tony Schwartz and Emily Pines write, “Fatigue, fear, and panic undermine our ability to think clearly and creatively, manage our relationships effectively, focus attention on the right priorities, and make smart, informed choices… We can’t change what we don’t notice, so the first step is becoming more aware of what we’re feeling at any given moment.”
Becoming aware of the impact that covering (language I didn’t have at the time) had on me helped me to face reality. Was the trade-off worth it? No, it wasn’t. Was the possibility that my fears would become realized worth uncovering the queer parts of myself? Yes. There would be other people to partner with and other funders to support our work. I knew that to create the type of impact I wanted in the world; I had to change how I showed up for myself, my (now) husband, friends, and colleagues.
It’s a privilege to be able to make that choice. I lead the nonprofit I co-founded and work with a team who believes we should value each person’s lived experience and identity, as I do.
The process to uncover started 5-6 years ago and continues as I unlearn outdated mental models and cultural norms about what it means to be a professional, a man, and a leader.
So what happened with my drinking? In 2018, I had a meeting of the minds of sorts. I made two lists simultaneously. One with all the things I value and want to achieve, and the other with the things that could undermine or detract from my wellbeing and impact. Alcohol was at the top of the 2nd list. It took me months to work through giving it up - the signs were there that my alcohol use disorder could derail everything.
I started by taking a month off from drinking. I thought I’ll just take a break, then put a limit in place for myself. I’ll only have 1-2 drinks at events, and that’s it. Well, that didn’t go so well. My brain doesn’t understand why you’d drink and stop – it also doesn’t have the drunk part of the drinking spectrum – I go from tipsy to black, a byproduct of drinking too much at a young age (that’s self-diagnosed, by the way). I also found that I started to hate the feeling of what alcohol did to me – I couldn’t remember conversations over dinner or people’s names. The feeling of being hungover when I wanted to run impacted those experiences too.
So, I finally quit drinking in 2018. The Kentucky Derby was my last day enjoying a Mint Julep. It was a great day and my last time consuming alcohol. The following year as part of the Derby Diversity & Business Summit, we added mocktails (alcohol-free cocktails) to the menu at social events. Churchill Downs had a mocktail popup at the Derby (photo on right), so I could still participate in the festivities without having to drink. That shift helped me feel included and valued in spaces focused on alcohol as a social lubricant.
My experience is just one example of how covering and coping can be intertwined and mutually reinforcing. As I continue to uncover, relearn, and grow, I see my coping strategies and their impact. This allows me to change or adapt how I show up, what boundaries I have in place, and the environment in which I work and live.
Can you think of times when covering or code-switching made you feel exhausted, stressed, or devalued?
What coping behaviors do you use to deal with covering? What impact do these strategies have on you?
If you’re willing to share your story about covering or coping, send me a message, add it in the comments, or email connect@joshmiller.ventures.
______________________________________________________________________________________
About: Josh Miller is a queer changemaker, public speaker, photographer, and outdoor explorer. He is the owner of Josh Miller Ventures and the co-founder + CEO of IDEAS xLab—an organization that uses the art of storytelling and community collaboration to impact public health. Miller’s work has been featured by The New York Times, the Aspen Institute, and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. He is a Soros Equality Fellow, received the 2022 Nonprofit Visionary Leader Award from Louisville Business First, and was selected for Business Equality Magazine’s Forty LGBTQ+ Leaders under 40 and Louisville Business First's Forty under 40. Miller is a two-time TEDx speaker and has been described as a "force in our community.” He holds an MBA from Indiana University and an undergraduate degree from Bellarmine University. Previously, he served as an advisor to the Derby Diversity & Business Summit and co-chair for the Louisville Health advisory board’s communications committee.